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The Dos & Don'ts of Divorce

You've had it. She's a cheating witch. He's a lazy bum. It's time for a divorce.

And it's going to be an all-out war.

Stop. Don't make the common mistakes that angry and hurt couples often do. Take some advice from Central Florida divorce lawyers and a judge who have seen it all. You still have time to learn from these stories.

Who gets the pets?

Pets are considered property but often require special consideration.

If you let a judge decide ownership, anything can happen. Consider these rulings from Orange Circuit Judge Bob Evans, who handles the county's most contested divorces.

*A couple feuding over a pair of lovebirds were given one bird each. The wife exclaimed, "Oh, no! I'd rather he get the birds than split them up." Evans gave her both birds. "I knew then who should get the birds," he explained.

*A couple couldn't agree over who should get the dog. Evans ordered them to stand 100 yards apart in a public park and custody was granted to whomever the dog ran to first. "I didn't care if they covered themselves in steak and bologna," he said. "I thought it was the only fair thing to let the dog decide."

Ways to resolve your divorce

*Hire a lawyer

*Do-it-yourself, known as pro se. For basic information, see flabar.org and click on public information and then consumer information. Florida Supreme Court approved forms are available at www.flc ourts.org/gen_public/family/\forms_rules/index.shtml. This page also provides links to family court contacts in your local courthouse.

*Mediation: A neutral mediator helps a couple work through issues and resolve the divorce without a trial. Most divorces in Florida are settled this way. For information, call your local courthouse or bar association.

*Collaborative resolution: A newer process where all parties commit to settling the case out of court. Mental-health counselors can play a big role. If settlement is impossible, all lawyers and experts, such as accountants, walk away and the couple has to start their divorce from scratch. The process can make litigation a financial disincentive to lawyers and couples. Only about a dozen Central Florida lawyers are certified in this process. Check with lawyers you interview to see if they use this process or can recommend someone who does.

HORROR STORY NO. 1: Divorce demolition

A husband decided to serve his wife with divorce papers while he was out of town on business. He claimed he was especially entitled to their home, valued between $200,000 and $300,000, because he invested some inheritance in it. The wife took offense and had the home bulldozed to the ground.

Because marital assets must be divided equitably, the judge awarded the wife the destroyed home and the husband got other assets.

THE LESSON

Don't let anger drive you to destroy property, says Orlando divorce lawyer Richard West, a partner in West, Green & Associates, P.L. and past chair of the Florida Bar's family law section. You'll have to pay for it in the end.

HORROR STORY NO. 2: Divvy up on your own

A feuding couple couldn't agree how to divide their belongings. So Evans gave the wife the rifles, hunting dog, boat and truck. He gave the husband the armoire, china, quilt collection and silverware.

"I'd have loved to have been a fly on the wall for that trading session," Evans said. "For a long time after that, I didn't get any cases making me divide the pots and pans."

THE LESSON

You'll tick off judges if you make them divide your stuff. Do that yourself and leave the big things -- house, alimony, child custody -- to the judge if you absolutely cannot figure a solution yourself.

"You don't want a stranger deciding these issues," said Lake Mary divorce lawyer Linda D. Schoonover, who also is a certified divorce mediator.

HORROR STORY NO. 3: Get affairs in order

A husband pressured his wife to have three-way sex with another woman. She finally gave in. Then she left him for the other woman.

THE LESSON

Morality rarely comes into play in divorce cases -- except as it may affect the fitness of being a parent. So don't expect one person to get a worse deal because of things such as affairs.

"The judges just don't want to hear it," West said.

Remember, divorce is mostly about children and equitable distribution of assets.

"People truly believe a divorce is going to be the great equalizer, that everything is going to be made equal from the meals cooked to the diapers changed to the abuse taken," Orlando attorney Mark O'Mara said. "All a judge can do is split the dollars down the middle."

HORROR STORY NO. 4: Custody consideration

A wife quietly packed up and without a word to her husband, left the state with their son. After the husband tracked them down, a judge decided the husband should have custody.

THE LESSON

A judge is going to grant custody to the parent most likely to allow frequent and continuing contact and promote a good child-parent relationship with the other parent, West says. So don't vilify the other parent to your children. Not only does it emotionally damage your children for life, but proof of parental alienation can be used against you during custody proceedings. So can filing false child abuse allegations, which is a frequent tactic that backfires, lawyers said.

"Some people really treat their kids as pawns. They go into this bizarre world where rationality has no place," said O'Mara, who is a certified family law mediator and incoming president of the legal society, Central Florida Family Law Inn of Court.

ONE TIDBIT

If you're serious about getting custody, don't move out of your house during divorce proceedings if possible, Schoonover said. Judges don't like to upset a child's routine, and a new address could work against you.

HORROR STORY NO. 5: Follow the money

A disabled woman let her husband keep track of the finances. With a divorce in the works, she tried to gather some records, but he found her stash and took it away. She hired a forensic accountant to trace what he had done with their money but spent $20,000 on the investigation and only tracked down $5,000.

THE LESSON

Keep tabs on your money. Money can be difficult and expensive to track, Schoonover said. Some people hide money in offshore accounts, trusts or other clever places. One business owner loaded 25 stamp meters with more than $80,000 in postage. West figured it out by looking around when he and the wife were at the business to take depositions. "We got lucky," he said. "If someone works hard and is deceitful, they'll be successful" in hiding assets.

If you can show someone has recently spent a lot of money -- such as buying a car for a mistress or a wife getting expensive cosmetic surgery -- those expenditures can be deducted from what the spender would receive in the final divorce settlement.

TIP

One of the biggest mistakes is giving up rights, whether it's alimony, retirement funds, child support or a house. Don't do it until you get legal advice, O'Mara said.